Baby steps...I can't do it all....
Yesterday, I hit my breaking point.... I knew it was coming... I have tried to snap myself out of this FUNK... out of this homesickness... of just wanting everything to back to normal.
Dane also hit his breaking point... and unfortunately we hit it together.... what started as my asking him to turn the TV off...& putting his laundry away... all of the stress of the past 3 weeks came spewing out.... from both of us...
Sometimes it is hard to for me to remember that he is 9... that he doesn't want to be, or can't be a trooper for his mom.... sometimes it is hard for me to remember that it is HIS daddy in the hospital... or him being dumped at grandma's AGAIN...so mommy can be at the hospital with Daddy / Eva... & this summer has seriously SUCKED for him.
Just when we had hit the breaking point...the doorbell rang.... OH Sh#T, GREAT.... this is really what I need right NOW..... so I answered the door with my big puffy swollen face from crying.. & it was my brother in laws, girlfriend Marianne. Just passing by...wanted to see how things were.... (HA...how things are? I feel like I am losing my FREAKING mind... I feel like I have fallen into a giant pit... & not sure how I am going to carry my babies on my back, to get out of this mess....)
Actually, that is exactly what I needed.... Help. I told her things were fine...through my sobs... and that I didn't need any help. She parked herself on my couch & refused to leave until we made a plan to get me through the next week.
Marianne insisted that I call work & tell them I would not be coming in.... not for the next few days... I explained I couldn't do that.... & she insisted that YES...I could, & I would, & she would not be leaving until I made the phone call....
Which I did...sobbing, apologizing... telling them I would do my best to make it in tomorrow... God bless her...Pia my co-worker, (who along with Kenneth,has been covering my butt for the last 3 weeks since everything started), told me to give her an hour & that she would get everything taken care off to get me through next week..... which she did...
Marianne insisted on taking Dane with her... (good for both of us) so I could get Eva taken care of. Once again....THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...
What was to be about an hour long treatment, turned out to be a 6 hour ordeal. Right before we left for the hospital...Eva managed to knock her IV out. I didn't think it was going to be that big of ordeal.... I knew it would be unpleasant, getting stuck again.... but didn't know how bad it would be.
They had to stick Eva 12 (TWELVE) times in order to get a vein...all the while me having to help hold her down and her screaming, begging "Mommy, take me home" Mommy, pleeeeeease don't let them hurt me"
Uggg... I doubt last night will be something I EVER forget. I am the mommy, who tears up every time my kids had to get their shots.... & when Bjørn was home..insisted that He take them because I can't deal with my babies being hurt.
The Dr.'s gave her 2 doses of sedatives...trying to get her to relax... but she was seriously like a caged animal with super human strength.... after the 11th try, there was talk of putting her under, in order to get the IV in. But thanks to my feeding her after we got to the hospital that wasn't an option. FINALLY, they got it in.
Before we got to the hospital... I called Bjørn & gave him a piece of my mind...(NO ONE was safe from me yesterday...) He needed to get his butt out of bed & be there for Eva & Me....
This might sound a bit harsh... but darn it....but this is the man who has always insisted that I COULD do it.... I could make it on my own in Turkey for 10 days after my appendix ruptured... I could handle the baby on my own after a week when I had my first emergency c-section, & he was called off to Africa... or baby # 2 & we was called off to Russia.
He & his family come from a pretty tough stock...like birthing babies in the back yard tough... He could surely drag his butt 6 feet to the elevator to be with his daughter.... even if they had to wheel him down.....
Lucky for HIM...he was there with me last night.... He couldn't help hold her down... we were afraid that she might kick his arm.... but at least he was there so I could see him out of the corner of my eye....& know that he was there with me. I asked for help & I got it.
I feel bad... like I am making more out of this than it really is.... I have read other blogs with families that are fighting all odds.... and still positive & upbeat & looking on the bright side of things.... & I feel like I should really just get over all of this.... I KNOW that things could be so much worse.... but I needed this breakdown.... I needed help....
Last night as I went down to the gift shop to buy some candy to bribe Eva with... I looked over at a book bin..... I don't buy books in Norwegian because if I find the time to read I want to be able to relax & not have to concentrate... But right on the top of the pile was "Eat, Love, Pray" IN ENGLISH.... the only English book in the store.... & one copy lying on top. Sign? Ummm I think so....
So when I finally made it home last night...got Eva in to bed & called to check on Dane.... I filled my big ol' IKEA glass... (wine glasses are too small at this point) with my boxed wine... (nice, I know...never said I was a classy broad) & read myself to sleep.
Things are looking up, Bjørn made it through what we are hoping will be his LAST surgery this morning...Eva is feeling great, although her mouth looks like it is drooping a little more... Dane had a great night with his uncle & cousins...but misses me... (I was afraid he might hate me forever) & decided to pass on the cabin with uncle #2... & just wants to hang out with me....
I am trying to drop the "Debbie Downer" posts... just hang in there & give me one more week OK? It is going to get better...I just have to take baby steps to keep from falling again.
Love, T
Dane also hit his breaking point... and unfortunately we hit it together.... what started as my asking him to turn the TV off...& putting his laundry away... all of the stress of the past 3 weeks came spewing out.... from both of us...
Sometimes it is hard to for me to remember that he is 9... that he doesn't want to be, or can't be a trooper for his mom.... sometimes it is hard for me to remember that it is HIS daddy in the hospital... or him being dumped at grandma's AGAIN...so mommy can be at the hospital with Daddy / Eva... & this summer has seriously SUCKED for him.
Just when we had hit the breaking point...the doorbell rang.... OH Sh#T, GREAT.... this is really what I need right NOW..... so I answered the door with my big puffy swollen face from crying.. & it was my brother in laws, girlfriend Marianne. Just passing by...wanted to see how things were.... (HA...how things are? I feel like I am losing my FREAKING mind... I feel like I have fallen into a giant pit... & not sure how I am going to carry my babies on my back, to get out of this mess....)
Actually, that is exactly what I needed.... Help. I told her things were fine...through my sobs... and that I didn't need any help. She parked herself on my couch & refused to leave until we made a plan to get me through the next week.
Marianne insisted that I call work & tell them I would not be coming in.... not for the next few days... I explained I couldn't do that.... & she insisted that YES...I could, & I would, & she would not be leaving until I made the phone call....
Which I did...sobbing, apologizing... telling them I would do my best to make it in tomorrow... God bless her...Pia my co-worker, (who along with Kenneth,has been covering my butt for the last 3 weeks since everything started), told me to give her an hour & that she would get everything taken care off to get me through next week..... which she did...
Marianne insisted on taking Dane with her... (good for both of us) so I could get Eva taken care of. Once again....THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...
What was to be about an hour long treatment, turned out to be a 6 hour ordeal. Right before we left for the hospital...Eva managed to knock her IV out. I didn't think it was going to be that big of ordeal.... I knew it would be unpleasant, getting stuck again.... but didn't know how bad it would be.
They had to stick Eva 12 (TWELVE) times in order to get a vein...all the while me having to help hold her down and her screaming, begging "Mommy, take me home" Mommy, pleeeeeease don't let them hurt me"
Uggg... I doubt last night will be something I EVER forget. I am the mommy, who tears up every time my kids had to get their shots.... & when Bjørn was home..insisted that He take them because I can't deal with my babies being hurt.
The Dr.'s gave her 2 doses of sedatives...trying to get her to relax... but she was seriously like a caged animal with super human strength.... after the 11th try, there was talk of putting her under, in order to get the IV in. But thanks to my feeding her after we got to the hospital that wasn't an option. FINALLY, they got it in.
Before we got to the hospital... I called Bjørn & gave him a piece of my mind...(NO ONE was safe from me yesterday...) He needed to get his butt out of bed & be there for Eva & Me....
This might sound a bit harsh... but darn it....but this is the man who has always insisted that I COULD do it.... I could make it on my own in Turkey for 10 days after my appendix ruptured... I could handle the baby on my own after a week when I had my first emergency c-section, & he was called off to Africa... or baby # 2 & we was called off to Russia.
He & his family come from a pretty tough stock...like birthing babies in the back yard tough... He could surely drag his butt 6 feet to the elevator to be with his daughter.... even if they had to wheel him down.....
Lucky for HIM...he was there with me last night.... He couldn't help hold her down... we were afraid that she might kick his arm.... but at least he was there so I could see him out of the corner of my eye....& know that he was there with me. I asked for help & I got it.
I feel bad... like I am making more out of this than it really is.... I have read other blogs with families that are fighting all odds.... and still positive & upbeat & looking on the bright side of things.... & I feel like I should really just get over all of this.... I KNOW that things could be so much worse.... but I needed this breakdown.... I needed help....
Last night as I went down to the gift shop to buy some candy to bribe Eva with... I looked over at a book bin..... I don't buy books in Norwegian because if I find the time to read I want to be able to relax & not have to concentrate... But right on the top of the pile was "Eat, Love, Pray" IN ENGLISH.... the only English book in the store.... & one copy lying on top. Sign? Ummm I think so....
So when I finally made it home last night...got Eva in to bed & called to check on Dane.... I filled my big ol' IKEA glass... (wine glasses are too small at this point) with my boxed wine... (nice, I know...never said I was a classy broad) & read myself to sleep.
Things are looking up, Bjørn made it through what we are hoping will be his LAST surgery this morning...Eva is feeling great, although her mouth looks like it is drooping a little more... Dane had a great night with his uncle & cousins...but misses me... (I was afraid he might hate me forever) & decided to pass on the cabin with uncle #2... & just wants to hang out with me....
I am trying to drop the "Debbie Downer" posts... just hang in there & give me one more week OK? It is going to get better...I just have to take baby steps to keep from falling again.
Love, T
Comments
Love from the States!
Do you see how things work? Just when you were needing help, but thinking that you couldn't ask for it, help arrived. And when you were needing a life raft, it appeared in a gift shop. There's no coincidence that it was the only book in English.
Come here and flip out if you need to because this can be a place where you let off steam without burning those around you at home. HA HA!!!
Tressa, just from your words I can tell you're such a happy and wonderful person. Everyone here is cheering for you to make it through this current mess.
- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife
If posting about makes you feel even he slightest bit better than no one is going to mind. After all it's your blog.
I hope things start looking up soon.
Found you on Candid Carrie.
PS. thinking..behaving as if I were Superwoman bought me a ticket to the Looney Bin, don't go there, come here.
Your brother in laws girlfriend sounds like an angel. What I wouldn't give for a little angel to take my devils for a few hours right now. :)
As always, thinking of you... and sending good wishes your way.
Don't belittle what you're going through. It's a lot, and a lot OUT OF THE NORMAL for you. Enough to make me a wreck as well!
It sounds like your co-workers and your sister-in-law were wonderful!! I'm so glad you have such wonderful support right now.
Hang in there, Tressa!!
Those blogs that you read, where people are going through stuff but being upbeat and positive. Well, that may not be the way it is behind the scenes. And sometimes those people do end up crashing and when they do, it just ain't pretty. People react in different ways to things.
You're doing a great job of carrying a really heavy load,so be proud of yourself.
I'm so glad that you have Marianne and Pia there for you. Sounds like they really care about you.
*HUGS*
I am thrilled that B had his last surgery. The is truly a big hill that you guys have climbed. Poor Eva, she WILL be ok. Kids are so resiliant. My sis was in the hospital, in traction for 7 days when she was 5. Now it's just one of those things that happened when she was little (she also can do this gross thing with her elbow b/c of the way it healed, ick!)
Anyway, we are here for you. I am so in awe of how you have handled it so far. I don't know if I could do it.
Honestly, don't know how you kept it together for 3 weeks before having this meltdown moment.
Prayers go out to you and your family.....for a quick recovery for your husband and little girl....for your little boy to not feel left out (I'm sure he's feeling a bit helpless too)...and for your sanity to take care of everyone! You are doing a good job!