Your opinion matters....American, Norwegian or just Me?
Your opinion matters... I want you to be honest...seriously... I would even like all of the lurkers to comment..because I really..R E A L L Y want to know... is it Norwegian, American or just me?
For 12 years Bjørn and I have had a disagreement... which I doubt we will
E V E R... E V E R..agree on...
The problem with being a multi-cultural family is this... anytime there is something you don't like... it is very EASY to say that something is VERY NORWEGIAN... or AMERICAN... but then again it could be just me....
There have been a lot of things I have disliked here(in Norway) which I have muttered under my breath ... "that is sooo Norwegian..." when in all actuality... it is just "soooo my husbands family...."
(I am sure he thinks the same about Americans/my family....)
OK the question is this..... What are your thoughts on people dropping in on you unexpected?
Bjørn thinks it's KOSELIG... (nice)... I think, its.... RUDE... & it pisses me off.... Now to be honest, it is primarily his family who does it....
I am not talking about dropping something off, I am talking about... coming over to someones house & expecting to be invited in (served coffee & hanging out for a few hours) without calling & letting them know or ASKING if it is OK....
I mean, you don't know what is going on in my house... I could be in the middle of screwing or screaming.... (we have kids now... so it is usually just the screaming bit.... but I don't want to be interrupted....)
I had one lady...nice enough girl, show up at 4:30 in the afternoon (with her kids) as I am trying to get dinner started, & the house picked up before Bjørn got home for work... Ummm. not a good time to expect coffee & a nice long chat.
Bjørn thinks I am particularly bitchy when it comes to uninvited visitors... but let me put it this way... I work full time, i have 2 children which I am primary care giver...I volunteer , I try to keep a semi clean house... So if I have some free time & I wanted to spend time with you...
I would INVITE you over.... If I don't call, don't come knocking.... Please...
Now of course, when these uninvited/announced, I invite them in...I will put the coffee on (that's what we do over here...) but it really pisses me off....
You would think after all of the eye rolling, after all of the years his family would take the hint... but they don't. (& sometimes they even open the door without knocking or ringing the bell...)
I don't remember every doing this or having it done while we lived in the states... (maybe in college...) & I know my American friends here in Norway would never do it....
Who is wrong? who is right? Is it American or Norwegian or just me?
For 12 years Bjørn and I have had a disagreement... which I doubt we will
E V E R... E V E R..agree on...
The problem with being a multi-cultural family is this... anytime there is something you don't like... it is very EASY to say that something is VERY NORWEGIAN... or AMERICAN... but then again it could be just me....
There have been a lot of things I have disliked here(in Norway) which I have muttered under my breath ... "that is sooo Norwegian..." when in all actuality... it is just "soooo my husbands family...."
(I am sure he thinks the same about Americans/my family....)
OK the question is this..... What are your thoughts on people dropping in on you unexpected?
Bjørn thinks it's KOSELIG... (nice)... I think, its.... RUDE... & it pisses me off.... Now to be honest, it is primarily his family who does it....
I am not talking about dropping something off, I am talking about... coming over to someones house & expecting to be invited in (served coffee & hanging out for a few hours) without calling & letting them know or ASKING if it is OK....
I mean, you don't know what is going on in my house... I could be in the middle of screwing or screaming.... (we have kids now... so it is usually just the screaming bit.... but I don't want to be interrupted....)
I had one lady...nice enough girl, show up at 4:30 in the afternoon (with her kids) as I am trying to get dinner started, & the house picked up before Bjørn got home for work... Ummm. not a good time to expect coffee & a nice long chat.
Bjørn thinks I am particularly bitchy when it comes to uninvited visitors... but let me put it this way... I work full time, i have 2 children which I am primary care giver...I volunteer , I try to keep a semi clean house... So if I have some free time & I wanted to spend time with you...
I would INVITE you over.... If I don't call, don't come knocking.... Please...
Now of course, when these uninvited/announced, I invite them in...I will put the coffee on (that's what we do over here...) but it really pisses me off....
You would think after all of the eye rolling, after all of the years his family would take the hint... but they don't. (& sometimes they even open the door without knocking or ringing the bell...)
I don't remember every doing this or having it done while we lived in the states... (maybe in college...) & I know my American friends here in Norway would never do it....
Who is wrong? who is right? Is it American or Norwegian or just me?
Comments
Now my BFF it dosent bother her in the least. I know a lot of pepole that it dosent bother.
It would drive me insane however!
My Dad stopped us (his adult children)of the bad habit of dropping by without calling by saying...you need to call first...Your Mother and I might be screwing!
It was NEVER a problem again! :)
Dirty old man!
Well what the %^$# do you think I'm trying to do? Without an extra kid in the mix, thank you.
You're right.
my mom ALWAYS gives me a heads up, not cause she doesn't want to surprise me but she understands that i have small kids and my life is crazy and if i get even 15 minutes notice i can make my home presentable. i HATE when my house looks all frumpy and someone comes by.
i also don't think they are trying to be rude (again, i don't know them... so maybe) he should ask them to call first, if they don't then answer the door in a bed sheet and act all "oh no, my hubby and i were just... um... well.. you know!" Then, they might start calling :)
BWAHHHHahahahaha
And, love the "Screaming or screwing" thing. Too funny!
Since we have no family and very few friends here in Cali, we very seldom have that problem.
If ya'll lived in the states would your hubby mind if YOU were not home, and YOUR family and friends and all there kids showed up unannounced just as he was about to take a nap/shower whatever?
But sometimes I think it is a mans thing to not care( think of all the bachlor pads you have been in). And women are too tired to shoot the shit with people while trying to cook the macaroni and cheese for the screaming hungry kids who still need to do their homework, as you make apologies for the dirty underwear on the bathroom floor while asking them would they like some cream in their coffee.
And my mom lives with us. But for some reason she gave my brother a key. So sometimes he comes over. Unannounced. And just lets himself in. It scares me to death. I wish he'd call. Even from the driveway. One day I think I'll just drop dead. That'll teach him :-)
(And you had me cracking up with your post to me. Men can be SUCH freaking morons!!)
hate. unexpected dropper by-ers...only if they are family. friends...stop by. i'll get some coffee brewing and bake you some cookies!!
I always read your blog to my husband, who is Norwegian but has been living in the states for a couple years with me (American), it has been a great catalyst for some lively and fiesty discussions (I've never lived in Norway, only visted, but we are planning to move in 2010).
Any who, I asked my husband about this issue and he said it depends upon where you live in Norway. In the cities "dropping in" is not as common, but in the country side (his parents live up North in Tromsø) it is a must to have coffee and cakes on hand for the unannounced guest.
With that being said, I tend to think its a more of a Norwegian thing (and so does he). Either way it is not koselig but extremely inconsiderate! Am I suppose to keep my house and myself in perfect condition all the time (and we don't even have kids!)?? What if I want to wear those hungry butt grey sweat pants all day? What if I do not want to keep my bathroom in pristine condition all the time? Ugh, the nerve...
Love your blog!
Also if it's someone who doesn't expect to be entertained and is cool with plopping on the couch while I mop the floors then sure - but don't come over (especially with kids) and expect me to be cordial!
Lately though it really irritates me to have people come by before they call and thats mostly because I'm pretty anti-social lately. Depression does that to a person. But I also have a three year old and sometimes it's disruptive to her schedule.
When I lived in the UK with the hubby after we married, it wasn't any huge deal to him to have people drop by. Often I was put out though because I wasn't prepared and it was a tad irritating.
I don't know that anyone is WRONG or RIGHT...I do know that I think it's polite to call before you drop in, but again, I think it's just how we as Americans are raised.
It would totally & completely send me out of my mind & unfortunately I'd probably say something. Told my mil off & completely alienated her for a few years. Too bad it wasn't longer!
but then I realized the one dropping in, does not care about the rug. He was close by our street and wanted to "hygge sig" with us...just come in for a coffee or a beer (which I have since learned, ALWAYS HAVE ON HAND! YOU CAN NEVER BE OUT OF COFFEE OR BEER!!) and see how we were... I still cannot be the one "who does the dropping in" but I am learning to chill out and quit worrying about whether or not the rug is vacuumed....
and if I were screaming, I stop.
but if I were screwing (direct quote there...lol), we DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR! :o)
Anyway I think it's cultural. No one would have ever thought of doing that to us in the US. No one does here either as all our friends are single and don't have cars and we live no where near the nearest train station :) Then again all our friends are American.
We are talking about cultural differences here. Another cultural difference is that American and UK families would never let their kids play unsupervised or in the dark.
One thing that I am learning living in Norway is that I can't live like an Australian anymore. That doesn't mean that I am giving up my 'Australianess'. But what it does mean is that I need to be able to accept and appreciate the new customs of the new country I'm living in. Otherwise I will go insane being in conflict with everything in my new life. You cannot hold onto your old ideology and survive Norway - you need to progress - otherwise your own mindset will give you so much grief. (And it seems like it is.)
I was once told when I first moved here that I need to forget everyting I know and accept what I have. Accepting the Norwegian customs will not take away your Americaness - it won't change who you are. Being American is about loving your country, loving freedom - not about holding onto the belief that drop-ins are rude. You cannot live an American life in Norway - but you can certainly live a Norwegian life as an American.
The quicker you do what Norwegians do best - 'to let it go' - the sooner you will be happy living in Norway and having a Norwegian family.
Listen, I am an American who currently lives in Switzerland, but will be moving to Frederikstad, Norway this year to be with my Norwegian boyfriend. Would love some insight from a fellow American living in Frederikstad - can't imagine there are many of us there! If you don't mind a slew of questions, pls send me an email at redmond.e@gmail.com.
Thanks!!
Liz
Most people call ahead now, and my mom might call ahead maybe 10 minutes away (which gives me a chance to tidy up or say I'm not home. Oh the joy of only having a mobile!). Last time she stopped by without calling I was away. My car was here, but I was abroad. Apparently, they tried to get my attention through my garden, and complained that the curtains were drawn! Here's a novel idea: call first!
My mom can't stand unexpected visitors either, but that really only applies to when the house is a mess. My mom, sister and grandma live next door to one another, and don't tend to show up unannounced. There's a little unofficial rule, that started back when my uncle (living in what's now my sister's house) found himself a girlfriend, and didn't want us little girls walking in on something...:
If the door's locked, we ring the bell, if no one answers, it means they're not in the mood for visitors. If the door's unlocked, we ring the bell, and walk in, yelling: "It's just me!" We do not expect to be fed or given drinks. I think that's the height of rudeness, as you may not have anything in the fridge/cabinets that day! I think I have some tortilla chips somewhere, but that's about it. Water, wine or Guinness is all I have to offer to drink, so people have come to not expect coffee at my place.
In rural Norway, it's a lot more common to have people stop by unexpectedly, and the coffee is usually on. Although I think you'd be able to see the visitors coming a long way off :-)
My husband hates the thought of people just popping in uninvited but I have already explained to him that he just has to get used to it because it will happen a lot when we move to Fredrikstad.
It's not always convenient but I still think it is 'koslig'. It's actually one of the things that I miss about Norway.
So yes, I think it is part of Norwegian culture but mostly in smaller places. I have heard that things work very differently in Oslo.
Psst Tressa - promise I'll phone you before I come to visit (bwahahaha)
In England, where I come from, we were always popping in on one another and drinking cups of tea. I really really miss that part of my life. The spontaneity, easy friendship, being sociable. No wonder people are so depressed and isolated over here!!
If people turn up and I'm busy, then I just say so. Or I give them a cuppa tea and then just get on with the dinner. And then tell them gently but firmly that it's time to go.
I don't care if my house and hair are a mess. As Kelli says, people don't come here to judge me on that, they don't even notice it... My door is always unlocked and the house is usually full of kids visiting... especially when their mums are cooking. No problem usually - they just get on with playing and are not allowed in the kitchen. If if is a problem, then I send them home.
So, if you'd like to drop in on me in Stockholm, I'd love to see you!
Having said that, I did have a couple of close friends back in NZ, who would show up unannounced. However that was okay, and I would do the same thing with them.
We all had young kids, lived close to each other, in one case, just next door and we were comfortable with each other.
Everybody else, well, they needed to give me a call first..
I am thinking the dropping in thing might be a NORWEGIAN FAMILY thing, because my girlfriend's inlaws drop in on them too....
I personally like people dropping in on me, but my house is usually a mess so that is a problem. It's best in the summer so we can hang outside!
So I must be MORE NOrwegian than I thought!
As for culture, I have many Japanese friends who stop by (without calling).. They ALWAYS bring cookies and sweets for the kids. I have just gotten used to it.. Maybe request cookies next time??
Overseas it seems to happen way more than in the States... I think.
Nope, not a fan at all!
When I had little kids and I was cooped up, I really craved adult company so drop ins were welcome if it was a very good friend, my own sister or at least someone who did NOT particularly fuss about housecleaning themselves. At least then i could assume they had a less critical eye.
Mostly, it depends on WHO is dropping in and did they bring muffins?
-paul
Now I'm an adult and no one ever drops in for a visit. Quite often I wish someone would. It has gotten so darn "polite" around here and I miss the impromptu cups of coffee.
I had this discussion over and over again with my former live in boyfriend.... Maybe it's more a man/woman thing??