Selfish Parents..what do you think?
OK, so I found this great blog yesterday... GutsyWriter ... when scrolling through her blog..instead of doing the 999 things I needed to get done..
I found this post...which got me thinking... SELFISH PARENTS MAKE BETTER PARENTS ....I have been thinking about this for the past day now..
Although I don't like the word selfish because selfish makes me feel GUILTY.... being "selfish" parents is something Bjørn & I have have been working on for a while now....
Growing up, I recall seeing 2 kinds of parents... those that put their kids above everything else.. & each other...
& those parents too occupied with themselves... to give a crap what their kids were doing...
But i never really experienced/noticed a healthy balance..(maybe I didn't really notice it? Maybe I was too busy looking at cute boys? )
I was 30 when I met a couple... my friends parents, that I was in total AWE of.... Although married for, lord knows how many years, they were still so LOVING to one another... so nice, so kind, & really REALLY enjoyed spending time together & with their family & all of their grown children's friends..... We would spend weekends down at their lake house & as the mom would be making breakfast for all of us... the dad would be sneaking up behind her giving her a little kiss... or grabbing her butt... (in a very sweet..non pervy way...) I remember sitting there at the breakfast bar thinking... THAT is what I want .... (So every one from Kansas City that reads my blog knows who this couple is because they are JUST THAT STINKEN CUTE! )
Now, their adult daughters have assured me that they weren't always this cute & perfect... which in turn gave me hope for my own marriage....
Oh believe me... when we got married I KNEW Bjørn would be chasing me around the kitchen until we were well into our 70's.... & of course.... as we all know, the chase does begin to slow down a bit... especially after the first baby arrives.... & when he would finally "catch me" I would slap his hands off of my butt or whatever & tell him I didn't have time because I had 25 loads of laundry to do & a screaming baby.... Anyone been there? ANYONE?
It is an easy trap to fall into... putting the kids ahead of everything else... me... GUILTY... lets just say I had both kids sleeping between us until they were 3... (Dane was 4) & not cause I am all about the family bed thing... it was just easier to give into my kids & piss my husband off.... & for me to get a good night sleep.
Lord, where am I going with this post? not really sure... but something happened about a year & a half ago... can't tell you when or why... but all of a sudden Bjørn & I started making time for each other... It started with an occasional date night... & kicking the kids out of our room.... putting them down at a decent hour even on the weekends so that we could have a glass of wine together & snuggle on the couch without the kids.....
& it has snowballed into us really liking each other again... & doing nice stuff for each other & wanting to spend more time together...
I would like to say that we don't really put ourselves first... & the kids last... because that isn't the case, we have been working on balancing things better.... In the long run I think our family as a whole is MUCH better now that the kids aren't controlling everything...
I remember some writer on Oprah who said she loved her husband MORE than her kids... (I think that may have been for shock value to sell some books...?) Umm, I wouldn't say THAT... lets be honest, if we were on a sinking boat I would grab my babies first & let hubby make a swim for it... (that sounds so HORRIBLE out loud doesn't it? ) But i do agree with the writer..(anyone know who i am talking about?) that you can't put your marriage on the back burner until the kids leave home... I mean 18 years of being on the back burner do you even know each other anymore?
Sorry there will probably be lots of lovey dovey posts about Bj this week... (next week is our 13th anniversary together)
So any thoughts? Go check out GutsyWriter very insightful blog....
I found this post...which got me thinking... SELFISH PARENTS MAKE BETTER PARENTS ....I have been thinking about this for the past day now..
Although I don't like the word selfish because selfish makes me feel GUILTY.... being "selfish" parents is something Bjørn & I have have been working on for a while now....
Growing up, I recall seeing 2 kinds of parents... those that put their kids above everything else.. & each other...
& those parents too occupied with themselves... to give a crap what their kids were doing...
But i never really experienced/noticed a healthy balance..(maybe I didn't really notice it? Maybe I was too busy looking at cute boys? )
I was 30 when I met a couple... my friends parents, that I was in total AWE of.... Although married for, lord knows how many years, they were still so LOVING to one another... so nice, so kind, & really REALLY enjoyed spending time together & with their family & all of their grown children's friends..... We would spend weekends down at their lake house & as the mom would be making breakfast for all of us... the dad would be sneaking up behind her giving her a little kiss... or grabbing her butt... (in a very sweet..non pervy way...) I remember sitting there at the breakfast bar thinking... THAT is what I want .... (So every one from Kansas City that reads my blog knows who this couple is because they are JUST THAT STINKEN CUTE! )
Now, their adult daughters have assured me that they weren't always this cute & perfect... which in turn gave me hope for my own marriage....
Oh believe me... when we got married I KNEW Bjørn would be chasing me around the kitchen until we were well into our 70's.... & of course.... as we all know, the chase does begin to slow down a bit... especially after the first baby arrives.... & when he would finally "catch me" I would slap his hands off of my butt or whatever & tell him I didn't have time because I had 25 loads of laundry to do & a screaming baby.... Anyone been there? ANYONE?
It is an easy trap to fall into... putting the kids ahead of everything else... me... GUILTY... lets just say I had both kids sleeping between us until they were 3... (Dane was 4) & not cause I am all about the family bed thing... it was just easier to give into my kids & piss my husband off.... & for me to get a good night sleep.
Lord, where am I going with this post? not really sure... but something happened about a year & a half ago... can't tell you when or why... but all of a sudden Bjørn & I started making time for each other... It started with an occasional date night... & kicking the kids out of our room.... putting them down at a decent hour even on the weekends so that we could have a glass of wine together & snuggle on the couch without the kids.....
& it has snowballed into us really liking each other again... & doing nice stuff for each other & wanting to spend more time together...
I would like to say that we don't really put ourselves first... & the kids last... because that isn't the case, we have been working on balancing things better.... In the long run I think our family as a whole is MUCH better now that the kids aren't controlling everything...
I remember some writer on Oprah who said she loved her husband MORE than her kids... (I think that may have been for shock value to sell some books...?) Umm, I wouldn't say THAT... lets be honest, if we were on a sinking boat I would grab my babies first & let hubby make a swim for it... (that sounds so HORRIBLE out loud doesn't it? ) But i do agree with the writer..(anyone know who i am talking about?) that you can't put your marriage on the back burner until the kids leave home... I mean 18 years of being on the back burner do you even know each other anymore?
Sorry there will probably be lots of lovey dovey posts about Bj this week... (next week is our 13th anniversary together)
So any thoughts? Go check out GutsyWriter very insightful blog....
Comments
I want to be that couple too. Im very very lucky, my husband is extremely helpful and involved in the kids and my daily life. We put the kids to bed between 7 and 8 every night and then we spend time together until we fall asleep. I love it. I cannot imagine things any other way, and luckily for me he cant either. However date nights and true time alone really do have to wait, we have four kids and no baby sitter.
Im happy that you are beginning to find a balance!
Also Hubby and I schedule a week and a few overnights throughtout the year where we travel without the kids. As a parent, I am proud that I can leave my children with family for a week and while they miss us, they have their own adventures and are excited to tell us about their seperate lives. At some point your kids are going off on their own and your job is to prepare them for that independence. One way is to show them how to have a balanced and happy life. Good for you for finding a way to do that.
I checked out GusyWriter.. she's great!
My superman and I have been married for 15 wonderful years, and I can honestly say that going into this cancer phase of our marriage would have been almost devastating if we had not had a STRONG, solid love for each other. Life won't always be peachy, prepare for the bumps, and any marriage/family can make it through!
Again, great post, and thank you for the sweet encouraging comments on my superman's kryptonite blog.
Practicing it though...that's a little trickier. Sigh.
At the risk of sounding like I'm the evil stepmom with a wart on my nose, I have to tell you that I needed to know I came first in my husband's life. He had two children from a previous marriage, which if you come to my blog, you know that I LOVE!
That being said: I had never been married and I wanted a chance to have that happy life and a family too. But I've always known that I needed to have him put me first. It sounds beyond selfish when I put it on this computer screen, but it's true.
We chose to live in a different state than his kids. We would see them no less by doing so. Though we were bad-mouthed by everyone in TX for doing so. And of course I was made out to look like a horrible second wife. When in reality, these children consume my thoughts and my heart.
But by moving away we were able to find ourselves, set our goals, and move forward. He deserved a second chance at life and I deserved a first chance at it!
We love our life and we LOVE each other. At times it slows down, and that's normal. But other times it speeds up.
Date night is a must.
Communication is a must!
And always reminding one another of your love for each other is mandatory!
It sets a good example for the kids and one day, hopefully, they will seek out a future with someone that reminds them of the happiness they saw in our marriage and in our home.
Life comes full circle. :)
John & I started doing a date night on Tuesdays about 10 years ago. Being a "young" couple (we have been together since I was 15 and he 17)we didn't want to be a statistic and divorce....so we go on a date every week so we can keep falling in love with each other. Communicate and share. At first I felt real guilty leaving our girls...but I quickly got over that. You need to be selfish and do things for yourselves. Even with the girls gone off to college we still do date night.
I'm glad you are finding what works for you!
When she married my wonderful (adoptive) dad they made it clear to us that they required time together. Alone. They raised us to be independent.
My sister calls it "benign neglect." I like that phrase much better than "selfish parents!"
I'm thankin' God right now that I don't have children! What a hard job.
And it works for us :-)
Happy anniversary!
We had a good summer where there were lots of trustworthy girls we knew to babysit and now that they have all moved...it sucks. No more date nights. You have to somehow make it work by not either ignoring the kids or the spouse. And that is not easy.
And I like how you put your thoughts out loud...it makes us all feel better or validated or understood. :)
My blogging has brought my hubby and I closer together. At night, I read to him what I wrote and we crack up at the silliness of it! :-)
I've recently started readin Gustsy Writer, too, and loved that post!
But let me just say this about the end of your post. Even though if you were in a sinking boat you would grab your babies first is a GOOD thing. It is your Momma's instinct to do so and a good thing. In the end, you gave life to them, you are responsible for them. Not your hubby, though I am sure you would go to rescue him as soon as the babies were good :)
anyway good post :) thanks!
We also have a family bed when the kids won't sleep and I am tired of it, but it does decrease as the kids age... We finally have babysitters and are starting to have a"date night" and wow- I forgot how good it is.