Just don't ask me....

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WARNING... this is a weepy expat post... so turn away NOW...if you don't want to listen to my moaning....



Yesterday at work I was speaking with an old lady... I repeated myself twice...she still didn't hear or understand me... finally her daughter said..


"Just speak English...she's American..."


me: "Your A M E R I C A N?"


old lady: " Yes... I am AMERICAN...are YOOOOU AMERICAN?"


me: SQUEEEEEEEAL... Oh so nice to meet you.... (I really get excited to meet other Americans when I least expect it...)


Her entire face LIT up... she was so excited to meet another American...


I told her... "Oh heck we are all over the place these days" in fact there are 3 of us working here...

We are like the American mafia... "lol...


LIE.. there are really only 2 of us.. but I keep forgetting that Caroline my British accented, Norwegian/South African blooded buddy isn't ONE OF US.. (yes, she is THAT cool..she could be AMERICAN..) people, I am kidding... no HATE mail please


So anyhoo... we chitchatted for a few moments... both enjoying being with someone who "UNDERSTANDS "


then her old eyes..lost a bit of their twinkle & a sadness washed over her face....

and she asked..... "ARE YOU HAPPY HERE?"


I could tell by the look on her face that she had not had an easy time of it here.....


I did my standard "Ummm ya...sure... it is OK NOW...."

There is just something about THAT question....


Why can't I just smile & say... YES..YES I am happy here.? (I'm not UN-happy...)

I wish my HAPPY answer could just ROLLLLL off of my tongue.

I think there is something about THAT question that makes me think back to my first two years here where I really did not think I was going to make it .... not sure that my marriage would make it ....& it just takes me back... to a not so great time in my life when I HATED everything about being here & blamed my husband for it all....


I smiled & said... " but look, your still here!"


her daughter interjected..."but that's because of me...."


Oooo, with that...40 years just flashed before my eyes....


I have made peace with being here... RIGHT NOW.. I have started to embrace all of the positive WONDERFUL things about being here... but I have promised myself as soon as my kids are

"OLD ENOUGH"... I will leave... I will retire somewhere else.. where? I don't know... Caribbean? Greece? Sail around the world.... but not HERE.... FOR SURE....


I wondered if the old lady had told her self the same thing? & then realized ..my children will never be "old enough" for me to move off to a different part of the world.


There is a good chance that Dane may end up in America one day.... he still considers America "HOME" Eva on the other hand is NORWEGIAN... this is HOME for her... would I be able to go off & leave her here even when she was an adult? Deep down, I don't think so.....


Talk about DEBBIE DOWNER moment.... Sorry y'all.... last night on my way home I kept playing all of the things I would NEVER do back in my mind.... I was NEVER going to marry a sailor...

flashing back to Bjørn winking his big blue eye telling me..."I'm not a sailor- I'm an ENGINEER"


I would NEVER stay at home while my sailor husband sailed around the world... (HELLO - F I V E YEARS!)


I will NEVER end up in Norway for the REST. OF. MY. LIFE.... looks like there is going to be a pretty good chance of that....


Most of the time I am in my HAPPY PLACE... while living here..
I am a pretty HAPPY PERSON.. but there are a FEW THINGS that can bring out the DEBBIE DOWNER... I am not so sure I like being an expat.... moments...

So please do not ask me....


"ARE YOU HAPPY HERE?" - although I AM.... I just have issues....

Don't ask me...


"Don't miss your family?" - would you like to make me burst out crying on the spot?

YES... YES I do miss my family more than A N Y T H I N G.-... So don't ask... & I won't tell....


& when you hear how I moved over here...(because you ASKED) don't let you jaw drop open & say... "wow you are really tough..."


Cause really, I'm not so tough.....

Comments

Doriana Gray said…
You hit the nail on the head in so many ways! I know that sad expat feeling SO well. No, I´m not happy here but at least neither of us are German so in theory we can leave at any time :), but in some ways I also am happy here because Munich is a great city and I have lots of wonderful friends. But having said goodbye to my sister, mother and father this year, please don´t ask me if I miss my family either!
October 22, 2009 at 12:15 PM
MsTypo said…
Girl, i know exactly how you feel!! **hugs** My parents still live in teh house i grew up in and i swore i would never move. January will mark country number six i have lived in. I swore i would never marry - let alone an american! oOps. I said i would never, ever, ever sacrifice my career dreams for those of a man. But he's cute and loves me so that doesn't count...

I'm lucky that at least 2/3 of the time my husband realizes what i gave up to chase him around the planet. I have put so many spins on questions like "don't you miss your family" that i'm starting to believe my own hype. *sigh*

***hugs*** I totally understand, girl. *hugs*
October 22, 2009 at 12:38 PM
Eyeglasses & Endzones said…
Oh man, sometimes I think that people should not be allowed to ask things! I know her heart was in the right place but that is like asking a non-pregnant person when they are due ;)
October 22, 2009 at 2:40 PM
Suburban Princess said…
Hang in there!

I know lots of immigrants feel exactly the same way :O(
October 22, 2009 at 3:15 PM
Laura said…
Love this post, because I'm basically you-- except I'll probably move back and my kids aren't actually Australian. I guees "happy as an expat can be" would be an answer of some sort?
October 22, 2009 at 3:47 PM
Jill said…
The question is truly a double edged sword... of course you want to be happy where you live, though on the other hand, it's hard when you can relate to so many of the reasons why you wouldn't be happy too...

I find myself longing for other Americans here too... wanting to feel / have the connection because we come from a place that isn't "foreign"... it's "home".
October 22, 2009 at 5:00 PM
Sues2u2 said…
Most military spouses feel the same way. Yes, I was happy to visit those places but being so far from my family? Not on your life.

Now I live one state below my home state & well, it kinda stinks. I hate it here because it doesn't really feel like I'm in the US. (border, remember?) But I'm just whining. I'll stop. There are good things here too.

And know what? YOU are an amazingly awesome person to travel that far from your home & make a new life. Lots of **hugs**.
October 22, 2009 at 5:13 PM
Anonymous said…
Sending hugs! Don't know if you're from the southern US but you said y'all and your leave a comment phrase is "give me some sugar" so I'm going to assume you are and I'm sending sweet tea and cornbread, too <--- cause that's what I really miss when I'm away from home.
October 22, 2009 at 5:57 PM
Kacie said…
Ahh... as someone sort of like your daughter, it took a while for me to convince my mom that I was NOT at home in the US after growing up in Indonesia. I think that's the risk of being an expat. You may just be an American living overseas, but for your kids their identity is permanently changed. If you can be okay with that it'll be a lot easier for your kids to explore and try to figure out where they want to be and who they want to be.

Such a tough thing, eh?
October 22, 2009 at 6:00 PM
Keys to the Magic Travel said…
And on the other end...here I sit...dreaming of going somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Which is I guess why I am so fascinated with you and Jill and Cairo...I can just pretend :-)
October 22, 2009 at 6:02 PM
Corinne said…
Seriously! There are days when I just WANT TO GO HOME. And I daydream (read: cruise Craigslist) of jobs back home for both of us, and of exactly where I'd live. If not in the hometown there are a few towns nearby...

And then I think of how Sverre would feel the EXACT SAME WAY I do if we lived back in the US, and then I think, "well if I have to suck it up than he can," and it turns into a vicious circle and I just want to poke his eyes out for being Norwegian.

And then I eat a lot of chocolate.

Thank God these negatron fugues don't happen too often!
October 22, 2009 at 6:13 PM
Crystal Mascorro said…
*Big Sigh*, I get it. Its so nice to have someone say it outloud (on a blog). It gives me permission to feel this way and helps me know that I am not the only one. I wish I had something encouraging to say but that what I usually look to you for. I guess just know that you inspire me living in this frozen tundra. That somehow you made it, so it gives me hope that I can too. Thank you for your honesty, its refreshing.
October 22, 2009 at 9:21 PM
The Preppy Princess said…
Ah, what a beautiful post! Talk about making some of us think for a minute, this did it!

We're sending a bit of a red, white & blue hug across the ocean to you,
tp
October 22, 2009 at 11:26 PM
Kelli Nørgaard said…
I think these emotions come in waves....we go through a phase of loving it all and not questioning why we are here, then something triggers the "other side" and it just makes us homesick. Nothing wrong with that..just means you are normal! Sending a hug from a little ways south....
October 23, 2009 at 6:29 AM
Return to Norway said…
Awww my friend..... I love this post for it's honesty. When the kids are big we'll just have to leave the hubbies at home while we travel around the world as travel writers.......... laptops - on a sunny beach, sampling the local ........ menu :)
October 23, 2009 at 3:18 PM
Stephanie said…
I read this yesterday. Couldnt comment. I was definitely feeling the blues. It was my Mom's birthday yesterday (first one away from her) and I was missing her so very very much. And don't worry, people ask me to all the time about missing my family. And once I did cry. I think the holidays are going to be really hard for me. UGH.
October 23, 2009 at 9:29 PM
Lacy Kline said…
I have a feeling I'm going to feel just like you once I'm an expat. Right now I keep getting the question, "are you excited to go." That's my double edge sword, yes I'm excited but I'm also scared to death. So I know what you mean by not really knowing how to answer those questions. If it makes you feel better keep telling yourself one day you'll be somewhere else because who knows what the future holds. Sometimes denial is a great way to deal with such things ;)
October 23, 2009 at 11:31 PM
Anonymous said…
Most Norwegian old people I know spend the summer six months in Norway, and the winter in Spain/Greece/Portugal/wherever they want to. Which seems a happy solution for them.
Norway doesnt have much of a climate, but there are some advantages to a rich country with a strong currency. Namely that your pension is comparable to the average salaries of people wroking full-tilt in other countries.
December 17, 2009 at 10:26 PM
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