Just don't ask me....
WARNING... this is a weepy expat post... so turn away NOW...if you don't want to listen to my moaning....
Yesterday at work I was speaking with an old lady... I repeated myself twice...she still didn't hear or understand me... finally her daughter said..
"Just speak English...she's American..."
me: "Your A M E R I C A N?"
old lady: " Yes... I am AMERICAN...are YOOOOU AMERICAN?"
me: SQUEEEEEEEAL... Oh so nice to meet you.... (I really get excited to meet other Americans when I least expect it...)
Her entire face LIT up... she was so excited to meet another American...
I told her... "Oh heck we are all over the place these days" in fact there are 3 of us working here...
We are like the American mafia... "lol...
LIE.. there are really only 2 of us.. but I keep forgetting that Caroline my British accented, Norwegian/South African blooded buddy isn't ONE OF US.. (yes, she is THAT cool..she could be AMERICAN..) people, I am kidding... no HATE mail please
So anyhoo... we chitchatted for a few moments... both enjoying being with someone who "UNDERSTANDS "
then her old eyes..lost a bit of their twinkle & a sadness washed over her face....
and she asked..... "ARE YOU HAPPY HERE?"
I could tell by the look on her face that she had not had an easy time of it here.....
I did my standard "Ummm ya...sure... it is OK NOW...."
There is just something about THAT question....
Why can't I just smile & say... YES..YES I am happy here.? (I'm not UN-happy...)
I wish my HAPPY answer could just ROLLLLL off of my tongue.
I think there is something about THAT question that makes me think back to my first two years here where I really did not think I was going to make it .... not sure that my marriage would make it ....& it just takes me back... to a not so great time in my life when I HATED everything about being here & blamed my husband for it all....
I smiled & said... " but look, your still here!"
her daughter interjected..."but that's because of me...."
Oooo, with that...40 years just flashed before my eyes....
I have made peace with being here... RIGHT NOW.. I have started to embrace all of the positive WONDERFUL things about being here... but I have promised myself as soon as my kids are
"OLD ENOUGH"... I will leave... I will retire somewhere else.. where? I don't know... Caribbean? Greece? Sail around the world.... but not HERE.... FOR SURE....
I wondered if the old lady had told her self the same thing? & then realized ..my children will never be "old enough" for me to move off to a different part of the world.
There is a good chance that Dane may end up in America one day.... he still considers America "HOME" Eva on the other hand is NORWEGIAN... this is HOME for her... would I be able to go off & leave her here even when she was an adult? Deep down, I don't think so.....
Talk about DEBBIE DOWNER moment.... Sorry y'all.... last night on my way home I kept playing all of the things I would NEVER do back in my mind.... I was NEVER going to marry a sailor...
flashing back to Bjørn winking his big blue eye telling me..."I'm not a sailor- I'm an ENGINEER"
I would NEVER stay at home while my sailor husband sailed around the world... (HELLO - F I V E YEARS!)
I will NEVER end up in Norway for the REST. OF. MY. LIFE.... looks like there is going to be a pretty good chance of that....
Most of the time I am in my HAPPY PLACE... while living here..
I am a pretty HAPPY PERSON.. but there are a FEW THINGS that can bring out the DEBBIE DOWNER... I am not so sure I like being an expat.... moments...
So please do not ask me....
"ARE YOU HAPPY HERE?" - although I AM.... I just have issues....
Don't ask me...
"Don't miss your family?" - would you like to make me burst out crying on the spot?
YES... YES I do miss my family more than A N Y T H I N G.-... So don't ask... & I won't tell....
& when you hear how I moved over here...(because you ASKED) don't let you jaw drop open & say... "wow you are really tough..."
Cause really, I'm not so tough.....
Comments
I'm lucky that at least 2/3 of the time my husband realizes what i gave up to chase him around the planet. I have put so many spins on questions like "don't you miss your family" that i'm starting to believe my own hype. *sigh*
***hugs*** I totally understand, girl. *hugs*
I know lots of immigrants feel exactly the same way :O(
I find myself longing for other Americans here too... wanting to feel / have the connection because we come from a place that isn't "foreign"... it's "home".
Now I live one state below my home state & well, it kinda stinks. I hate it here because it doesn't really feel like I'm in the US. (border, remember?) But I'm just whining. I'll stop. There are good things here too.
And know what? YOU are an amazingly awesome person to travel that far from your home & make a new life. Lots of **hugs**.
Such a tough thing, eh?
And then I think of how Sverre would feel the EXACT SAME WAY I do if we lived back in the US, and then I think, "well if I have to suck it up than he can," and it turns into a vicious circle and I just want to poke his eyes out for being Norwegian.
And then I eat a lot of chocolate.
Thank God these negatron fugues don't happen too often!
We're sending a bit of a red, white & blue hug across the ocean to you,
tp
Norway doesnt have much of a climate, but there are some advantages to a rich country with a strong currency. Namely that your pension is comparable to the average salaries of people wroking full-tilt in other countries.